What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
