If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
