I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
