He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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