I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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