So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
