it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
