I want to make a zoo with you.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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