Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
