I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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