he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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