i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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