you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
