I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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