i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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