awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
