if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
