my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Let's paint friendship bongs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
