and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
