Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
