Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
