This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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