sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
