When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
send nudes
from the living room?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
