I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
