I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
