she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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