Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
