I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
