speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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