At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
ok first of all what the fuck
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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