Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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