Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
