My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
