I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
