Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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