The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
