Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
