I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
