I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
