last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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