The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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