Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
