Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
