TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
