i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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