Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
