Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
