I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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