direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
