I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
