I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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