the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
