my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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